Quotes By WOODY ALLEN

Top Best Quotes By WOODY ALLEN

1. Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

2. My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.

3. If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

4. Is sex dirty? Only when it’s being done right.

5. The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

6. Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

7. The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

8. To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.

9. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

10. Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone you love.

11. I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

12. Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

13. In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

14. This year I’m a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

15. Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; among 5 it’s fantastic.

16. I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

17. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

18. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

19. I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

20. All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

21. I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

22. The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

23. Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

24. Having sex is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

25. Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

26. I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

27. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

28. When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

29. I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

30. She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

31. Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.

32. Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.

33. Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

34. I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.